The person behind the screen
My name is Jake. I am a 19 year old living in the small city of Adelaide. I have ran this blog for about 3 or so years now, and have watched it grow and develop along with my own process of change. Throughout this process, I have experienced ups and downs, twists and turns; I have watched friendships form, flourish and more recently crumble; destroyed what in hindsight was a wonderful relationship. I have struggled to accept myself, and battled through bouts of what can only be described as intense self-loathing and . I have kept up my social mask, showing only glimpses to those immediately close to me. I have effectively corned myself into solitude, both mentally and physically. I have ignored problems and responsibilities, driving what my mind makes out to be irreparable wedges between myself and loved ones.
It is at this stage I feel my loneliest, driven by the fear that no one will accept, love or want to be with someone so confused and lost in their sense of self. I am terrified at the thought I am too different for people to want to be with, that I’m this odd mixture of two conflicting forces; how could anyone possibly want to love this creature when this creature cannot love itself?
Friendships I once treasured now lie in ruin. I am either too needy or too distant; I long for a comforting hug, a friendly reminder that I am real and that my experiences are valid, but feel as though I am a burden on those whom I love, that I can only flood them with my own problems. I push new friends away as if they were a plague - not due to anything they’ve done, but from my own fear of rejection or being a burden.
I feel incomplete, not quite whole. I seem to be missing something, a part of me, a ‘spark’ as someone recently said. Maybe being there for so many people, offering help and advice unquestionably, taking on board everyone’s troubles has faded me and dulled my spirit, or maybe I just can’t see myself as enough.
To be honest, I feel like utter fucking shit, that I can laugh and smile, but it’s really just masking what truly lies beneath. This isn’t a goodbye or anything drastic like that, it’s just how I feel. No friend (save one) has taken the time to listen to this, and only my mum understands the pain I often feel. I needed to get this out, to articulate or make some sense of what it is that troubles me. I need to feel valid - real. “My heart wants to explode far away where none of them know”.